


I Come Apart (And You Keep It Together)

by vampireswillneverhurtyou101



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Eating Disorder, Self Harm, abusive!liam, hurt!Niall, hurt!zayn, later fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-08
Updated: 2013-04-09
Packaged: 2017-12-07 21:43:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/753413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vampireswillneverhurtyou101/pseuds/vampireswillneverhurtyou101
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall had always known that Zayn would never be his, never truly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You Are The Loneliest Person That I've Ever Known

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [I Come Apart](https://archiveofourown.org/works/752639) by [vampireswillneverhurtyou101](https://archiveofourown.org/users/vampireswillneverhurtyou101/pseuds/vampireswillneverhurtyou101). 



> If you haven't already read 'I Come Apart' then I've put the link here so you can check it out.  
> This is sort of the chaptered/full-length version of that story because a few people wanted me to carry it on into a full length fic. This is going to be filled with angst, so please be aware. Hopefully you guys like this and feedback is welcome.

Niall never knew how to explain his relationship with Zayn to other people. 

His mother would ask, 'Have you met anyone nice?' and his brother would wink at him, elbowing him playfully in the ribs and he'd shrug and force a laugh. Because how do you explain to someone that you have and they are perfect and wonderful and so bloody gorgeous and you're in love, so in love. That you have, and you share an apartment together because his flooded last year and you asked him to move in and you share boxes of takeaway together and curl up on the sofa on Friday evenings to watch a film together that you've argued over for hours. That you've met someone that you wake up to almost every morning; golden sunlight dancing across their features as they stir. You've met someone and you can't imagine yourself ever feeling this way about anyone else, ever. How do you explain all of that when your mind is constantly buzzing with questions, asking whether or not he's at home or with him. How can you begin to explain that, yes, you've met someone - hell, you're with someone, but that you know he doesn't feel the same way? That you know his heart belongs to someone else.

And so he just shrugs and forces the same specious smile, because he doesn't ever really know how to explain it. 

Niall had always known. He'd figured it out long before he and Zayn began whatever you wanted to call their relationship. Dark eyes gazed for too long, always fixed on Liam on stage; lingering touches that drove teenage girls crazy; flushed cheeks and mussed hair as they left dressing rooms together. Niall had always known. 

Maybe that's what had always frustrated him the most. He had known from the start that Zayn would never be his; never truly be his. He had known from the start that Zayn would always want Liam because Liam had claimed him so long ago. But he stayed. Perhaps it was because he understood. Their pain was mirrored in one another. Perhaps it was because Niall was the only one who still knew how to fix Zayn. 

It had been Niall for three long years who had been there to pull Zayn back together. He couldn't even remember the number of times he'd come home to find Zayn slumped over the toilet, heaving and rasping for breath as he shook with sobs, spilling his guts. He couldn't remember the number of times he'd come home to find Zayn torturing himself; jagged crimson lines patterned across his thighs. He'd been there to hold him, to stroke his hair and pull him so close that Zayn splutters that he can't breath. And Niall would choke out a laugh, apologising and loosening his hold on the fragile frame of the man he loved. 

He'd listened as Zayn begged him not to leave him, that he was sorry and that it wouldn't happen again and he had made a promise - he promised him he'd never leave him. He'd stared deep into the strained dark eyes of the man he loved and promised him that no matter how hard it got, he'd be there because he loved him and he needed him too. 

And Niall hoped, hoped so hard that it would all be ok. That everything would be right in the end. 

***********************************************

Niall awoke to the sound of Zayn in the shower; he was singing and a smile crept across Niall's cheeks as he listened. He had always been the best at singing, always reached notes that the others had tried so hard to hit. Niall missed that the most about the band - watching Zayn as he strutted across the stage, commanding it. He had been in control then. He had known that almost every girl in that audience would bow down to him in a heart beat. He missed hearing the chanting of girls as Zayn made his way onto stage and the way they screeched, desperate for his attention. He'd been so confident, so happy. 

He listened as Zayn shut of the shower and stepped out. He imaged how wonderful he would look right now; shrouded in steam, hair slicked back and droplets of water pooling over his well defined abs. He knew that in reality Zayn would be staring at his reflection, prodding a finger at his ribs and guiltily pinching his skin. He knew that he'd be scrutinising his own body, despite how thin he had become. Zayn rarely ate; restricting his diet as much as he could. Cautious of anything he ate. It set Niall on edge - he'd find himself watching Zayn while he ate, encouraging him to order starters and sides, promising him that his body was great. Because Niall couldn't bear to see him fall any further apart. 

Finally, he heard the door of the bathroom unlocking; steam billowed in wafts through the air, tangling and dancing in the morning sun. Zayn crossed to the other side of the room, grabbing at his clothes and rushing back to the bathroom. Niall heard the door slamming once again and let a sigh escape. 

They ate breakfast with the radio playing and Zayn grumbled over a new boy band. Niall laughed and pushed him playfully. 

'As if you can talk, were you not a member of One Direction? The biggest boy band to date?' Zayn rolled his eyes, the corners of his lips twitching up into a smile. 

'Well that immediately makes it different. If we were the biggest boy band to date, then we were clearly talented.' He smiles and it's cheeky and playful and there's something youthful in it and Niall smiles back because for a glimmer of a moment things are good. Things are how they should be. But then the smile fades as Zayn's phone buzzes and vibrates. He glances down at it and Niall notes the way he shifts uncomfortably. 

'Liam's home.' Zayn announces and Niall swallows a mouthful of suddenly stale tasting coffee. 

 

***********************************************

Niall comes home later that night to an empty apartment, a note from Zayn tacked to the fridge is enough to tell him exactly where he is. 

He thinks he'll wait up. He gets a beer from the fridge and cracks it open. He watches pointless action movies with too many guns and explosions and Hollywood credentials. He calls for a take out and drinks another two beers. He flicks aimlessly through the music channels. It's late and he's gone through a six pack of beers. He's slumped into the sofa and his mind is beginning to blur with thoughts of Liam and Zayn. Zayn and Liam. Together. Alone. He feels anger beginning to pull at him as he stares ahead at the screen. His eyes aren't focused though, instead he is picturing Liam plying Zayn with alcohol and telling him to spend the night. He's imagining Zayn nodding and knocking back shot after shot because Zayn was partial to vodka and partial to forgetting his troubles. He imagines Zayn draping himself over Liam and Liam bundling him into the back of a taxi, directing the driver back to his apartment. He feels himself burning with a sudden rush of rage. He wonders for a moment if it's the alcohol coursing through his veins but then the image of Zayn stretched out and begging for Liam to fuck him flashes before him and he's throwing himself up from the sofa and reaching for his phone. 

And then, as if perfectly on cue, the sound of male voices drifts from the corridor outside and the familiar sound of Zayn's voice, laced slightly with the slur of a few shots but not beyond coherent, reaches Niall and he is calm. He is controlled and the panic which has risen steadily within him dies. 

He listens for a moment, to the sound of the two males stood on the other side of the door. Liam and Zayn. 

'Just tell him you're busy tomorrow night with work? Danielle won't be home until Monday,' Liam murmurs, voice low. 

'I'll think about it,' but Niall knows already that he'll be fed the usual bull shit. He already knows to expect a list of lies and reasons as to where Zayn will be. 

Because when Liam beckons, Zayn comes running. 

And Niall is learning to understand - Understand that he will never mean even half of what Liam does to Zayn.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niall watches as Zayn begins to crumble, ever so slightly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys like this, it's super rushed and quite short. I'm working on making chapters longer but I suck at it! Please leave kudos and feedback because it is all very much welcome! :D 
> 
> Oh also, if anyone is interested in being a Beta for me and reading chapters before I post please please comment below and let me know!

Niall wondered whether Liam knew; whether he really knew. 

Liam had always been one of his closest friends, he'd liked Liam a lot and during the early days of the tour he'd looked up to him in a lot of ways. Liam held a sort of patriarchal control over the others, a sense of maturity which the others had never quite achieved. He had always known how to control them, get them to behave in interviews and drag them away from bars before they downed the next pint. He was the mature one; the one who kept them in check and Niall had always liked him. Even when he figured it out- Zayn and Liam- he still liked Liam. He had no reason not to - he was jealous of course, but he had never stopped liking Liam. 

But then everything changed. 

They had been sitting in a dressing room in London; nerves were running high because tonight was the night there were going to film for the movie. Louis and Harry were chatting with their stylist and Niall could hear the sound of Louis laughing and Harry complaining for him to stop whatever he was doing. Zayn was sitting alone, on a sofa. He had been pretending to text but he'd been staring at his phone for too long and Niall knew that he was likely to be silently freaking out. He crossed the dressing room and threw himself down onto the sofa beside him, slinging an arm around the other boy's neck. 

'You ok man?' He asked, trying to sound casual but sounding far more concerned. Zayn nodded, turning away from his phone and smiling. His eyes gave him away; laced with worry as they darted quickly back to his phone and avoided Niall's gaze. 

'Don't know why you're worried, at least you look good on camera,' Niall teased. Zayn let out a faint laugh, looking up. 

'At least you're Niall Horan,' Zayn teased back and Niall smiled because this was how it was meant to be, Niall and Zayn teasing one another. 

'Well, what can I say? I am god's gift to Simon Cowell,' Zayn laughed once again.

Niall found he clung to moments like this; moments of laughter and jokes shared between them. Moments alone to talk. He clung to moments when he saw Zayn's eyes crinkle at the corners and watched as he threw his head back in laughter. Clung to moments of happiness. 

A door opened and Liam walked in and suddenly Zayn's eyes were no longer on Niall but instead fixed on Liam. He stood in the doorway for a moment, before clearing his throat. 

'Lads, I want you to meet someone,' Louis and Harry both turned to face the door, as did Niall and Zayn. A young woman stepped from behind Liam into the room. She laughed, nervously as Louis and Harry both clapped loudly, playfully punching Liam and congratulating him. Liam shoved them away, laughing himself and telling them to stop being prats. She was beautiful. Long, golden hair, straight gleaming white teeth and dazzling eyes. Niall glanced at Zayn, whose eyes were fixed on Liam's. For a moment Niall hadn't been sure of what Zayn was going to do; his eyes were dark and unreadable but he simply stretched out his hand, taking the young woman's and shaking it. Niall followed suit and smiled at the young woman. 

And then they were being ushered into hair and make up and a crew of people are ordering clothes and food and cameras to be brought into the dressing rooms but all the while Niall could hear the sharp sound of Zayn hissing questions to Liam. 

'What the fuck was that?' 'Who is she?' 'Where did you meet her?' and then the question that causes Niall to swallow thickly, a sudden wash of anger swarming him, 'what about us?'. And Niall wonders if all this time it had all been some kind of sick joke; Liam just proving his dominance. Whether Liam had just wanted someone to fuck all this time? Wanted someone to fuck up. Niall shakes his head and tries to block their voices, focusing on the show ahead of them. Liam wasn't a bad person. Liam was one of his best friends. 

'You know that never meant anything,' Liam hisses back and Niall can't bring himself to look at Zayn, whose jaw has dropped ever so slightly and whose eyes are suddenly wrapped in a glaze of tears. 

Everything changed after that. Liam was no longer Zayn's and Liam no longer wanted or needed Zayn. Niall watched as Zayn began to crumble. Ever so slightly. 

Zayn finds solace in a bottle that night; drinks until he is stumbling and slurring and Niall wakes to the sound of fists banging against his hotel door. He isn't surprised. He'd almost hoped that he would come to him because it saved explaining himself to Harry or Louis - Zayn knew that Niall would never press questions or badger him for answers. And so Niall carried him through to his hotel bed and helped him unlace his shoes. He helped him down to his boxers and gave him a spare t-shirt to wear. He grabbed him bottles of water and told him to drink because it'd take the edge of his hangover and helped him crawl beneath the cold, stiff sheets of the hotel bed. 

They lay in the darkness; the only light leaking in from the street lamps below. They are silent because neither of them knows what to talk about and Zayn is probably too drunk to even string sentences together, or so Niall assumes. They lay in silence for what felt like hours, seconds creeping past and minutes crawling by. It had caught Niall off guard; hearing the sudden soft whimper of Zayn as he pressed his face into the pillow and let out a sob. It was strangled and raw and Niall knew it had been suppressed for so long. And perhaps that's why he reaches out across the dark expanse and touches Zayn's neck tentatively, because he just wants to comfort the other boy. He doesn't expect Zayn to turn and move closer to him and he doesn't know how to react when lips find his in the darkness and brush against them - dry and slightly chapped but still full and perfect. He doesn't know why he kisses back or why he pulls Zayn in against his chest. He doesn't know why he whispers that it'll be ok or why he wants Zayn to believe him so badly, because the truth is Niall isn't sure it'll be ok. All he knows is what is happening in that moment and all he can think of is the boy held against him, tears staining his cheeks.

'Just let me forget about him,' Zayn mumbles into the darkness, 'Please,' and Niall nods, pulling him closer. 

All Niall wanted to do was take away his pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave kudos and feedback! :D


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